How can he live with himself?

I have tried to move on, I really have but the bitterness and anger eats away at me sometimes. I’m left with deep emotional scars while he seems to have just got on with his life.

He was a narcissist, a Royal Marines Commando who was confident, passionate and good looking. He showered me with love, attention and praise but very subtle as he manipulated me into the most degrading and dangerous situations, he always managed to persuade me into doing what he wanted to do and always rewarded me with loads of attention, being overly romantic, loving, telling me how amazing I was and how much he loved me.

We were very much party people, the perfect couple, having fun with friends and family, he was always so much fun, dancing with me, holding me in his arms while gazing into my eyes, to the outside world he was totally in love with me.

When he was getting annoyed he would always clear his throat, he made a funny coughing noise. I knew when he did that I had said or done something he didn’t like. If I disagreed with him or picked him up on something he had said, if I didn’t do what he wanted to do or questioned him about anything he would get annoyed which often escalated into anger, especially if he had been drinking.

I’ve always hated confrontation so I tried to avoid it but he just wouldn’t let me, he would get angry with me if I didn’t respond, acknowledge his argument, apologise or walk away. He would shout in my face, pin me down on the bed, if I tried to sleep he would pull off the duvet and pull me so that I was facing him so he could have his argument. He would punch walls, push over furniture and sulk for days on end, until I apologised. I always had to apologise, once I had then he would be back to normal, whatever that was.

I’m sure he thought he was some kind of god, he could do no wrong. Even when I found out he had a gambling habit he brushed if off despite the fact he had put incredible financial pressure on me. I pretty much paid all the bills, his excuse for not having any money was that he needed his money to pay off debts his ex’s debts and paying child maintenance for his daughter. I was devastated, he was literally spending hundreds of pounds each week online gambling while constantly putting pressure on me to earn more and more money. I know now that was financial abuse and another form of control.

His betrayal cut me like a knife, the first time I caught him in bed with another man, the second time he was with the same man and his female partner, we had been at their house for dinner and drinks, I don’t handle my alcohol very well so went to bed early, I woke up to go to the toilet, the living room door was slightly open and I saw them together. I did confront him but he tried to convince me that I was imagining it, twice.

This Royal Marines Commando, who I was supposed to be marrying not only abused me financially, sexually, mentally and physically he also completely lost control and tried to choke me. It was Good Friday and we had been chatting and drinking one night at home, an argument began, the next thing I knew I was pinned down on the sofa with his hands around my throat, I couldn’t breathe, I thought I was going to die. I fought back, I grabbed his arms and tried to push him off but he was far too strong for me. I think he must have suddenly realised what he was doing as he suddenly let go, I was gasping for breath as I phoned the police. I was shaking, sobbing and terrified, I remember saying you could of killed me, his answer was simple ‘if I wanted to kill you, I could have’.

He was arrested and charged, when he went to court the top brass came to support him in court, he had an exemplary career spanning thirty years, was of fine character and had served in Afghanistan, Bosnia and Northern Ireland. He was given a fine and and transferred to the Royal Navy Recruitment office in Leeds which was miles away from where we lived.

It didn’t take him long to move on, he cut off every single person from his previous life which I assume was because they all knew what he had done and he didn’t want the ‘new’ people in his life to know what had happened, I realise now that when I met him he had done the same, he had no real friends, he made new ones while we were together. There were hints, little things he said about his relationship with his ex wife that I believe that he did similar things to her, he always said she was mentally unstable and accused him of all sorts of things that just weren’t true. I guess he has probably told the new people in his life, exactly the same about me.

Before long he married a woman who looks extremely similar to his ex wife and I. I knew he had met and moved in with her within a few weeks of arriving in Leeds, he was living in military accommodation and knowing him as I do I knew he would be looking for a route out of there…enter a new girlfriend (now wife) with a good career and her own home, a perfect target.

Narcissists have a pattern, he is a prime example. I am sure she is totally in love with him, like I was. I am sure that he is subtly controlling the relationship without her really knowing it. He may have told her about the assault but brushed over it, blaming it on me, I was mentally unstable and he was of course the perfect, loving partner. She will have absolutely no idea of the years and years of abuse I suffered at his hands, the man she has married is a manipulative, controlling, abusive and violent man. He is of course very clever and will be loving, caring, kind, generous, attentive and more if it serves him.

What makes me angry and the reason I wrote this is because he is now living his life without a second thought about what he put me through, how he hurt me physically, mentally, sexually and financially but I am left with the deep emotional and mental scars, I now suffer with anxiety, depression and have felt suicidal so I guess he is right, I am mentally unstable but it is all because of him.

Men like him should be named and shamed, they shouldn’t be able to abuse their partners for years and years then close the door behind them as they begin a new life leaving their past behind.

Chris Ferrett you should be utterly ashamed of the way you treated me, your emotional, mental, physical, sexual and financial abuse has left me with deep emotional, mental and physical scars that will never heal. If I have one wish, I would wish that your wife, your family, your colleagues and your friends all know the truth about you. You should have gone to prison when you assaulted me, you shouldn’t be allowed to pretend it didn’t happen.

You are a narcissist of the very worst kind.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662#:~:text=Narcissistic%20personality%20disorder%20%E2%80%94%20one%20of,lack%20of%20empathy%20for%20others.

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